Guess I Must Have Been Stupid
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: Ianto dies to save Jack. Jack reads his last letter and wonders how to carry on.


**Title: Guess I Must Have Been Stupid**

**Summary: Ianto's funeral. Jack reads his last letter. **

**Author's Note: This exists because I wanted to write. It's just one of those days.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Torchwood._**

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Jack._

_How did you expect me to trust you when I didn't know who you were? You expected me to trust you when I couldn't understand what you were doing and why? You really thought I could blindly put my trust in a man I hardly even knew? How can you even begin to hope I would do that? But I guess I must be stupid because I did. I love you, Jack. I love you more than you'll ever know and I can't bear not to have you in my life._

_When I met you I remember feeling irritated that you wouldn't listen to me; that you wouldn't give me a chance. I thought you were arrogant and irritating but I admired you. I really wanted to come and work for you because Torchwood was all I'd ever known. I wanted to carry on with that but you're Torchwood was so different from mine. I could have walked away from you. I could have ran away – and believe me, I was that scared I could have ran and ran and ran. But I guess I must have been stupid because I didn't. Now look what it's come to. I'm sorry Jack._

_You and the others killed my girlfriend. You said it was to keep us safe. She was a half converted cyber-woman and she tried to kill Gwen. She didn't know what she was doing. You didn't let me try and help her. You didn't try and help her either. I guess I must have been stupid to even have brought her into the Hub. But I loved her Jack. I really did. I love you though. I love you so much I think my heart will burst. Maybe then it is possible to love again after your first love has died? _

_All those nights we spent together would have been so long if we were separate. When we were together they seemed much too short. I shouldn't have let myself get so addicted to your touch. I guess I must really have been pretty stupid to do that. Look where it's got me now? But I'm glad I did, Jack. I'm so glad I did. _

_I thought we could last forever. Well, maybe it did. It lasted till the end of my lifetime anyway. I'm sorry I have to leave you like this. Maybe you'll find someone else. Maybe someone else will love you as much as I do. I hope you find your Doctor again. He meant a lot to you and I know you love him. Maybe it's different to how you feel about me but it's still love. He was good for you. I remember that day you came back to us with your eyes filled with stardust. There were a million stories in your eyes and I could tell that not all of them were good._

_You never told you about whatever bad experience you had but that night you kissed me like you were never going to let me go. I felt the longing you felt and the terror you'd obviously lived through. You fell asleep that night and you had a nightmare. You woke up told me you were sorry. You didn't tell me why and I never asked anymore after that night. _

_Jack… Every time I see your name, every time I hear it my heart skips a beat. Wherever I'm going now, I'll still be there waiting for you. I don't believe you'll live forever. You'll follow me someday and I'll still love you then. I'll still need you. _

_I'm sorry Jack. _

_I love you. _

_Ianto_

I hold his last letter in my hand as I cry. I feel Gwen put a hand on my knee and for a moment I find myself hoping it's him. I know it's not but I can't help but hope. I miss him so much. I can hardly contain the pain exploding through my heart. It should be me that's dead. He died to save me. If he hadn't tried to stop that creature biting me he wouldn't be dead. He wouldn't have been poisoned. I wouldn't be sitting at his funeral.

Of course, his body is in the Hub. It's just how things work at Torchwood. We told his family the body had to be quarantined because the virus that killed him was still living. It hurt me so much to do that but it was the only story we could come up with. I love him. I need him. But he's gone…


End file.
